What is this movie?
No, really. WHAT is this movie?! Why does it exist? What purpose
does it serve? I guess you could pose this question with many films, but
seriously, though this movie is entertaining, it is very hard to take seriously
mainly because the kid playing the namesake role is kinda goofy with a voice
which cracks when he's angry – which is a lot. Puberty is a bitch, but damn did
it give this poor kid Hell. So did the costume designer. His outfits are hideous.
Though this redheaded stepchild type has some charming moments, he really was
the right choice for this part. In the era of The Crush, The Good Son and Mikey, I
guess filmmakers were trying to cash in on evil kids – boys in particular. I'm
sorry to the other titles, but this one takes the cake. And eats it. And then
takes the pie too. Just because.
I actually rented this movie from a store called Fun Flicks when
it was still on the New Release wall. My parents actually paid $3 for this
movie because I wanted to see it and my Dad was obviously intrigued because he
readily agreed. So off we went with The
Paperboy, The Brood, and Spinal Tap in hand (the other two titles were
back-ups). What I was about to experience was something...great. Little did I
know that this movie would create so many hilarious memories between me and
friends and it keeps creating more memories with the more people I show it to. This
movie has some hilarious moments, but overall the acting is pretty impressive.
It's rare that a child actor delivers in such an intense performance. So…
Let's start from the beginning!
Meet Johnny McFarley, brilliantly played by Marc Marut. He's a
paperboy. In a nutshell, Johnny's mom is dead, his father looks like Don Henley
and is always gone (possibly on tour?), and one of the old ladies on his route
has a daughter who he has taken an interest in and wants to be part of her
family. So what does he do? He kills this poor old lady just so Melissa
Thorpe (Alexandra Paul of Christine
and Baywatch fame) will return home. When
she does, she’s not in the house for two minutes before Johnny arrives holding
her bags that he helped himself to out of her trunk. Her and her friend look at
him in sheer terror but decide that he’s a nice boy and ignore the fact that he
just invited himself inside the house. Actually, we see Johnny inviting himself
into their lives all throughout the movie. He even helps himself into the house
while Melissa and her daughter Cammie leave on outings. Speaking of this, the
first outing they go out on, Johnny walks into the house like he owns the place
and puts a baby monitor in a hidden cubby on the wall. This kid is definitely
off his rocker.
Here we go again already; Johnny invites himself to ride to the
funeral with Melissa in her lush, rented limousine. Well, they actually insist
that he rides with them instead of him riding his bike, but he does walk up
conveniently while they are getting in. Well planned, Johnny. Well planned. On
the ride there he explains to Melissa how his mom is dead, his dad’s never
around, and how he “loved” her mom. Judging by the fact that he killed her, and
that he looks at her dead body in pure disgust, we highly doubt he gave a shit
about her.
This movie has a lot of uncomfortable situations. The first one
being when Johnny takes Cammie into the funeral home basement to show her a
room full of caskets. As he climbs inside of one he says something to Cammie
along the lines of, “My mommy’s dead, can I have yours?” She gets creeped out,
the vibe gets creepy, he’s creepy, the caskets are creepy. It’s creepy. To make
it even creepier, he makes Cammie promise not to tell he took her down there. REALLY
creeeeeepy. His form of a pinky swear is something like this, “Flesh to flesh,
skin to skin, tell a secret, die for your sins.”
Creepy.
After the funeral, Melissa invites Johnny over for a barbecue the
next day. Oh fun! Only Johnny doesn’t know that he’s about to display his first
violent outburst in front of Melissa. Since she was reunited with an old friend,
Brian (Carrie’s William Katt), she
backs out of the barbecue just as the festivities are about to begin. The hot
dogs are ready, the lemonade is freshly squeezed, and Johnny has a clunky video
camera taping it all – and then comes Mommy to ruin the fun. Yep! She gets a
babysitter named Brenda, who is someone Johnny clearly despises, and breaks the
news just as Johnny is bringing the plate of food in. Melissa breaks the news
and Johnny breaks a plate in a scene which made me love this movie. In Johnny’s
squeaky voice he exclaims, “NO! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE US! THE FAMILY!” and
throws the plate on the steps. This hilarious outburst is then accompanied by
an even more hilarious tirade from Cammie where she’s stomping her feet saying,
“It’s not fair, we were having a party and now it’s rooooned!!”
Now that everyone has gone their separate ways, Johnny cools off
and types up an apology to Melissa on his archaic computer which reads
something like this…
“Dear Miss Thorpe,
I’m sorry for misbehaving at the barbecue.
I promise to be a good boy from now on.”
Oh geez. You couldn't even hand-write that shit, Johnny? Oh, and
before I go any further, let it be known that Johnny apologizes a lot in this
movie. A LOT! It would make for a great drinking game actually. So yeah, Johnny
goes to the house to leave the note there. While he’s creepily slipping the
note under the door, he hears Brenda and her boyfriend, like, “doing it” and
stuff. So he spies. Then gets caught. Then he runs away. Something he’s good at
doing. The babysitter calls him a fungus. This is irrelevant really, but I
think it’s really funny.
Later when Melissa arrives, Johnny spies from the bushes and
overhears Brenda telling on him which creates more opportunity for more amazing
Johnny quotes. He quietly yells, “Shut up! Shut up! You ruin everything!” and
then stands with a pouty grimace. It’s amazing. (Mark Marut, where are you now?!)
The next day Brenda sees him on his bike and sprays him down with
a hose. This was dumb on her part, but he’ll show her. See, her thing is to
climb the antenna ladder on the side of her house to sneak back in after her
curfew and she does so that night. Johnny amazingly unscrewed the top screws of
the antenna and safely made it back down. Brenda doesn’t. She falls backward
and that’s the last we see of her. She doesn't die, but Johnny proudly announces to Melissa the next day that, “She’s going to be a paraplegic from
now on.” Damn, Johnny, thanks for making that grim news seem so casual.
The next morning, at the asscrack of dawn (aka 6am), Johnny is
mowing Melissa’s lawn. She, like most people, is trying to sleep and angrily
tells him to quit coming and going as he pleases. He apologizes (shot #42 in
your drinking game) and storms off like a baby. The next few moments are some
of the best in horror history. He goes to his room, slides down the wall, and
repeatedly bangs his head on the wall saying, “Dumb boy! God HATES stupid
children!” It’s hilarious, but it’s also great acting on Marc’s part and I’m
not bullshitting ;)
More uncomfortable moments ensue when Johnny invites himself into
Melissa’s house and takes it upon himself to peel some apples for a homemade
apple pie. Um…what the fuck? Melissa comes home and rightfully throws a
shitfit. Johnny waves a knife and shit gets weird. Even more weird than before.
This prompts Melissa to talk to Don Henley (aka Johnny’s dad) and tells him
that he comes over too much and is an annoying turd. Johnny apologizes AGAIN
and his non-existent relationship with his father stays just that. His father
gets him some stupid-ass golf clubs and basically just signed his death warrant
because Johnny uses them to kill him. Didn't see that coming at all! Ha!
Next up to go is poor Ms. Rosemont (Frances Bay). Johnny finds out that she’s
been telling Melissa that he’s a bad boy and Johnny doesn't like this. Before
he takes care of her, there’s a scene which bears mentioning. Oh my God, is it
amazing. So, the baby monitor which apparently has batteries that NEVER run out
is picking up Melissa and Brian heavily making out on her couch. Johnny hears
this and runs to the window. He frantically picks up the baby monitor and
starts squealing, “NOOOO! NOOOOO!!! NOOOOHOOOO!!!” and throws himself on his
bed in agony, writhing around like a complete chode. It’s not like they’re
fucking their brains out. Hell, their clothes don’t even come off.
Okay, so now that Johnny’s riled up, he’s ready for Ms. Rosemont.
Her death scene goes like this: he gets her dog to eat some treats, he picks up
her dog, walks into her room, she starts having an asthma attack, he throws her
inhaler, he goes out of the room to get his ball bat, and then returns into the
room with the dog in a bag and beats the dog to a bloody pulp causing her to
have a heart attack. Only, while he was out of the room he switched bags and
just beat a side of ribs and ketchup bottles and not the dog. So the dog lives,
she dies somewhat natural, and now there’s no link to murder. Good thinking,
Johnny.
The rest of the movie kinda drags. Basically, Johnny tries to kill
Brian but he survives. Melissa finally finds out what Johnny wants from her and
she tries to placate him by playing along. Shit goes down while she’s in Johnny’s
house and she hears Cammie on that goddamn baby monitor (WHO is changing these
batteries?!). She thinks Cammie is in the basement but sees the monitor and
realizes Johnny placed it in her house. Johnny attacks her with a shovel and
starts burying her by his dad (aka Don Henley). Melissa gets away and there’s a bare-knuckle brawl out in the yard just as the police are driving up. Since
Melissa is the only one holding a weapon, Johnny whines, “She killed my father
and she’s trying to kill me! She thinks she’s my mom, or something!” He is
thwarted by the great William Katt who has told the police everything. They
drag Johnny to the car and he’s screaming, squealing, whining, pissing, and
moaning the whole way, “I HAVE RIGHTS! I WANT A LAWYER!!”
And the film abruptly ends.
Moral of the story? I don’t know really. Don’t trust your
paperboy?
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