Bloody Birthday (1981)

They're gonna cut YOU before they cut the cake! 

Three kids born on the same day in 1970 during a rare eclipse (when the sun and the moon block Saturn) are out to kill basically everyone who pisses them off. This sentence is a summation of why you should love this movie. Need any other reasons to love it? Okay...

- Patricide with a baseball bat to the cranium
- Sororicide with an arrow through the eyeball
- Billy Jacoby
- Billy Jacoby shooting people
- Perverted 10 year old boys peeping through holes in walls
- (Not downtown) Julie Brown's butt and boobs
- Giant headphones
- Jump rope and garden hose strangulation
- An Eric Estrada poster
- Unsupervised kids playing in a junkyard raging with potential accidents which could cause tetanus

You get the idea.

As these three lil devils reach the age of 10, they lose all ability to feel empathy and basically become raging psychopaths; thus, the relevance of the eclipse. The movie opens with an image of the actual eclipse and a doctor entering the hospital to deliver the three babies. There's commentary and babies crying. Very effective. Jump forward 10 years later, and here comes the sex, people! Two teens getting it on have chosen such an odd location for their sexcapades - an open grave. Da fuq? Needless to say they end up dead in this here grave. The dude gets beaten with a shovel and the girl is strangled with a jump rope. The end.

That's what I love about this movie; it starts with a fucking BANG and keeps going. The movie is perfectly paced with character development and kills, kills, KILLS in GORE GALORE! Ha! Better than Happy Birthday to Me for the many reasons listed above, below, and just the simple fact that even though this movie can be just as contrived and far-fetched, it delivers and there is no one with a skin-tight mask pretending to be someone else when they're clearly not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough about that crap movie, let's get back to the cheezy, sleazy, un-PC gold that is Bloody Birthday!

As the kids plan for their conjoint birthday bash, their teacher informs them that they're not so great and just because they're all born on the same day doesn't mean they're hot snot on a silver platter. Matter of fact, she tries to make them feel like they're nothing but cold boogers on a paper plate, but she doesn't get under their skin. Nah! But she just so happened to pencil her name in on their list of people to kill. Cha, cha, cha!

Our three monsters gather at angelic Debbie's house (Elizabeth Hoy did a great job in her role), they awkwardly stand at the kitchen counter eating after school snacks when all of a sudden, we hear some cheesy cock rock music coming from somewhere in the house. Who could be blasting these tunes? None other than future MTV personality (not downtown) Julie Brown. The boys (Andy Freeman and the amazing, well-known Billy Jacoby) gather 'round the peephole in Debbie's closet to take a peek into Beverly's room as she performs a striptease for herself in a mirror. She strips, the boys watch, and Debbie charges them quarters and dimes. Beverly goes all the way too. We see boobs and butt and then she casually walks around with a soda and a feather boa. Da fuq?! What really makes this scene the ultimate is the fucking song that she strips to. Some macho sounding man grunting the syllables "NAAH NAAAH! NAA NAA NA NUUUUHH! NA NAAA NUUUH NUAHHUU" over and over. I'm sure there are words in there somewhere but the "na na nuhs" are really prominent. I guess with visuals like this you don't really pay attention to the auditory happenings, right?

"All this stripping for myself in the mirror is making me a bit parched"

Before we talk more about the three kids who go on a killing rampage, let's introduce the characters Joyce (Lori Lethin) and her little brother Timmy (K.C. Martel). Timmy is the same age as the three terrors and is quasi-friends with them. Our introduction to Joyce and Timmy goes something like this. She's wearing gigantic headphones and listening to Bozz Scaggs, or someone of the sort, and Timmy is sneaking in through the kitchen window. This, may I add, is the same night the teens in the grave were killed. Joyce questions Timmy's whereabouts. So does Sheriff James Brody (Debbie's dad). Well, not Timmy's exactly, but he does show up in school asking the kids where they were and who the jump rope belonged to. Well, he's not a very observant daddy because it just so happened to belong to our little blonde-haired, blue-eyed angel Debbie. He catches on, then they try to kill him with the ol' "skateboard on the stairs" gag. He instead uses his observation skills and dodges it. Smart man. Only you're about to get whacked from the back, Papa! Lights out for you, daddy-o! Debbie then blandly yells, "Mom! Daddy fell! Mom! Daddy fell". No one in this family is very observant because this happens in front of the kitchen window where Mom was.

"You crazy kids are gonna be the death of me!"

This movie resembles a birthday, actually. Every scene is like a present that you want to open and see what's inside. Timmy gets locked into a broken refrigerator in the junkyard by Curtis, the birthday party scene is epic and complete with Curtis fooling Joyce into thinking he put rat poison in the cake icing, Curtis goes around shooting people including the bitchy teacher, and the fact that they kill so many people in a short span of time is just hilarious. We can't forget Beverly's infamous death scene. Sororicide with an arrow through the eye. Poor Julie Brown!

 "I'll shoot YOUR eye out!"

"Ready, aim, EYEBALL!"

"I'm gonna cut YOU and then the cake!"

Thank you, director Ed Hunt!

Please watch this movie right now! Whether you've seen it or not WATCH IT NOW! It's amazing. Oh, and the ending battle is pretty epic as well as post-battle when Debbie and her mom make a getaway from the madness and change their identities as to not be found. A great little treat at the end before the credits roll. So serve yourself up a slice of cake and watch this kinder slasher. Have fun!